Question: As a White parent, how can I best care for my non-White child's hair?
I remember the first family I ever babysat for. They were a White family with four children. One - a five-year old - was adopted, and interestingly, looked a lot like I did when I was five. She appeared to be bi-racial. Her curious round mocha face was framed by soft, curly hair, which the family kept somewhat short. I guess the intention was to keep it more manageable. I did notice, however, that her hair was a tangled mess. In fact, it looked as if it hadn't been combed out in months.
Answer: Once the parents were gone, I asked her to grab a comb and as we sang songs together, I went about untangling a very knotted mess of hair. It was a hard decision to make, and an awkward thing to do, but when the parents returned, I asked the mother if she'd like some tips on caring for her daughters hair. Fortunately, she was grateful to receive them and my relationship with the family continued seamlessly.
Haircare is a very sensitive topic for many interracial families. It is also very much tied into the bi-racial or transracially adopted child's self identity. As such, it is very important for parents to understand that how we address, approach and care for our children's hair, will ultimately have a significant impact on how ouor children will perceive themselves, their race, and your view of your racial differences. It is all to easy to mistakenly cause a child to feel inferior or less than simply because we avoid handling or neglect hair - which is in this society, is a primary element in defining "beauty."
In my own family, there was always the distinction between "good" hair and "bad" hair - good equating with straight and shiny (closer to White hair), and bad wih kinky, curly or frizzy (closer to African-American hair). I was made to feel that my curly, frizzy hair was a problem and also ugly - which then made me feel unattractive and ugly. So, one day, when I turned 16, I went to a salon without permission and chopped it off. It was so short, my mother's only comment as she opened the door and immediately noticed the change was - "I didn't know I had a son in the military."
So, what do you do when you're a White parent and you're absolutely unsure about what to do with your child's hair?
Well, take a deep breath! Acknowledge that it's just different from yours, that's all, and that's ok. Then do some research and figure out what works best. If you'd like to learn from others, take your child to a salon that is experienced with his or her specific style of hair and get the benefit of their expertise. Most stylists will be happy to educate you about the best haircare solutions for your child.
As you research hair salons, be sure to accurately describe your daughter's hair type. Not all African-American women have the same type of hair. For example, I have the unfortunate blessing of having what I call "in-between" hair. I can't go to White salons, but I also can't go to African-American hair salons. For me, salons frequented by Dominicans or Puerto Ricans are usually where I find the stylists who know how best to tame and deal with my half-curly, half-wavy, but always-frizzy, "in-between" hair.
To help you in your research, I've provided links to a few sites to get you started. When all else fails, never be afraid to ask for help!
"Caring for your African American or Bi-Racial Child's Hair" on Adoption.com
Tips for African-American Hair Care; also features a Q&A forum
All about hair care and hair styles - varied resources for African-American hair, Asian hair, straight hair, curly hair, etc.
Forum for discussion on Asian hair on www.HairBoutique.com